Have you ever sat around the house waiting for your son or daughter to knock on your door on Mother's Day, hoping that he or she would stop by to wish you well?
Have you kept your phone near you all day on Mother's Day anticipating a call or a text from your child, only for your phone to remain silent all. day. long?
Or, because you knew better, have you ever decided to treat yourself to a nice Mother's Day brunch, only to be reminded of what's missing in your life by seeing all the mothers in the restaurant receiving hugs, flowers, and gifts at tables nearby?
Yearly, mothers are reminded of Solomon's words in Proverbs 31:28 when he speaks of the virtuous wife, "her children rise up and call her blessed."
. . . . but what if they don't?
Families everywhere prepare to celebrate and honor their mothers the week prior to Mother's Day. Many anticipate this yearly tradition as some hope to shower their mothers with love, attention, flowers, and surprise gifts.
For some mother's and children, the week prior to Mother’s Day is filled with dread. Mother’s Day serves as a yearly reminder of what's missing.
The bereaved are reminded of a beloved mother they’ve lost or a child who passed early and is not present to honor them. The estranged daughter is reminded of the painful rift between she and her mother or the estranged mother is reminded of the rift between she and her child. Women who were unable to conceive a child they desperately wanted are reminded year after year of what they can’t have.
For those whose relationships do not follow the norm (or at least what is portrayed to be the norm), mother’s day is a day to be endured. If you can relate and mother’s day serves as a painful reminder to you of what you don’t have, know that you are not alone. There are many others out there, sometimes sitting right next to you in the church pew, who silently suffer through the typical mother’s day pomp and circumstance.
Problems when Mother's Day is hard . . .
Mother's day can be especially painful for some and can lead to the following:
- Sadness and sometimes depression
- A profound sense of loneliness
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Second guessing and feelings of guilt
- Anger and resentment
- Bitterness
Years ago, I checked in with one of my friends who I admired, in part because she was always so cheerful on Mother's Day, in spite of a significantly strained and troubled relationship with one of her adult children. I asked her how she coped with Mother’s Day and she cheerfully replied that coping with Mother’s Day was easy for her! She simply bought herself her own Mother’s Day gifts in anticipation of Mother’s Day. We both had a good laugh at that one!
This conversation with my friend led me to think of different ways we can cope with Mother’s Day if it is a day that serves as a painful reminder of what is not.
How to cope when Mother's Day is hard . . .
1. Be Honest with Yourself
Allow yourself some time during Mother's Day season to feel the emotions that naturally arise, including grief, sadness, and anger. Trying to push away from emotion often leads to them hanging around even longer, so schedule a time when you can intentionally feel your emotions.
2. Acceptance
Oftentimes suffering occurs because of a denial of what is and a keen desire for our circumstances to be different. Continued resistance to our reality often leads to feeling stuck, bitter, and resentful. Oddly enough, acceptance of our circumstances can lead to feeling relief or sometimes even peace.
3. Celebrate What Is
Most times there are things that are going well in our lives. When we’re suffering, we often overlook the good or the pleasant or at minimum the good or pleasant is muted due to our suffering. If we take a moment to acknowledge the relationships that are working well, even if they’re not familial, a seed of gratefulness can grow and possibly reduce the suffering.
Interestingly, research indicates that parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child. When relationships are strained with one child, it tends to color other experiences. We can potentially reduce the impact of this by intentionally focusing on the positives in our other relationships.
4. Create New Traditions
If you’re a mother or child who suffers through the Mother’s Day pomp and circumstance-stop! Decide within you to do something different. Intentionally plan a vacation on Mother’s Day weekend or buy yourself a Mother’s Day gift. Cook yourself a special meal. Spend time with a surrogate mother or child. Treat yourself special!
5. Do NOT Compare Yourself to Others
Comparing your family situation with other family situations is not helpful at all! Comparing yourself to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame. Remind yourself that other families do not have the unique constellation of factors that contribute to your current circumstance.
I know, I know. This is easier said than done! One pro tip to help you refrain from comparisons . . . stay off FaceBook or other social media venues on Mother's Day . . . or better yet, the entire week prior to and a few days after Mother's Day.
6. Remind Yourself That You are Not Alone
There are THOUSANDS of mothers and even children out there who are silently suffering on Mother's Day. It is difficult to see the mothers who are NOT receiving the gifts, calls, or hugs from loved ones in the presence of all the pomp and circumstance. Step back and observe and you will notice the sister in the pew at the back of the church quickly wiping away a tear. You are not alone.
7. Contribute
Give to someone else who you think might be suffering on Mother's Day. Send them flowers or take them out for breakfast or send them a text wishing them a happy Mother's Day. Be the bright spot in someone else's life. Interestingly enough, focusing on others and seeing how your generosity improves their mood, can lift your own.
8. Own Your Own Happiness
Our children are not placed here on earth to make us happy-that can be a benefit of children indeed. However, basing our own happiness on our children's successes and failures or on the closeness of our relationship is a recipe for disaster. We need to seek out our own happiness distinct from our children. Find a new hobby, a new passion, a new relationship that contributes to our own joy.
