Have you ever heard of a tragic event, such as a mother and father losing their child to an alligator attack at Disney, and thought to yourself, well his parents should’ve [fill in the blank]? Or concluded that the parents were bad parents? Or argued that Disney was negligent and to blame?
Have you ever harshly criticized yourself? Perhaps you experienced a tragic event and blamed yourself for the outcome. Or on a less tragic scale, made a mistake at work and called yourself stupid?
Passing judgment on others and on ourselves is a common experience. Trauma survivors especially are at risk of judging themselves for how they acted just prior to, during, and after the trauma. In my clinical practice, I have heard countless people judge themselves as failures, cowards, monsters, etc. Unfortunately, self-blame and judgment only keeps you stuck in the past and in painful emotions.
Judgments Defined
Not all judgments are bad. According to Linehan, there are two types of judgments. Judgments that discriminate and judgments that evaluate.
- Judgments that discriminate– “assess whether two things are the same or different, whether something meets a standard, or whether something fits the facts.” For example, one might discriminate between rotten and ripe fruit. Linehan argues that discriminations are needed and unavoidable.
- Judgments that evaluate– determine whether something is good or bad, fair or unfair, worthwhile or worthless. Linehan argues that judgments add to the facts of a situation and are the result of our personal likes and dislikes, values, and beliefs. Most times evaluations are not objective or based in factual reality.
Problems with Judgments
Though it is common and natural, there are many problems with making judgments. Judgments often result in the following:
- Isolation– judgments creates distance from others. They separate us from expressions of empathy or compassion and healing connection.
- Conflict with others– judgments often contributes to misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
- Unhelpful emotions– judgments can lead to painful or uncomfortable emotions, such as toxic shame, anger at self or others, worthlessness, and/or disgust with ourselves or others.
- Problematic behavior– to escape our thoughts and difficult emotions, we might engage in problematic behavior, including, but not limited to the following:
- Self-harm
- Alcohol or substance abuse
- Disordered eating
- Self-sabotaging behavior
- Risky or impulsive behavior (e.g., driving too fast, gambling, etc.)
Nonjudgmental Stance
To achieve a more meaningful life, full of rich connection, and movement toward our life goals, it is necessary to take a nonjudgmental stance. Linehan states that a nonjudgmental stance is letting go of evaluating and judging reality. To act nonjudgmentally, we must be observers of our mind, body, emotions, environment, and others, rather than judges. How might you do this? During the next week, try practicing the following steps to take a nonjudgmental stance:
- Observe your thoughts-and resist the urge to believe them as facts or act on them—we can’t help thinking our autmatic thoughts. They are what they are.
- Describe the facts of the situation—only what is observed with your senses” (e.g., “I’ve gained 10 pounds during the last six months” vs. “I’m fat”)
- Describe the consequences of an action or a situation (e.g., “Weighing 10 pounds more than my ideal weight can lead to health problems”)
- Describe your own feelings in response to the facts. Emotions are not judgments.” (e.g., “I don’t like weighing more than my ideal weight”)
I’ve found that taking a nonjudgmental stance is much easier said than done. Approaching yourself and others in a nonjudgmental manner takes much practice. I recommend practicing the above steps when you’re not in a full-fledged toxic shame attack or conflict with your partner. Rather, purpose to practice these skills two or three times a day for five minutes at a time when you’re relatively calm. Once you’ve mastered the skill, it’ll be much easier to apply it when you need it most! After you’ve practiced these steps, drop me a note and let me know what you think. I’d love to hear from you!
Resources:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: The Guildford Press.
