Unfortunately, there’s been a rise in spousal abuse and domestic homicides in the United States after the recent implementation of social distancing and stay-at-home mandates. More than likely there’s been an increase in couples conflict due to greater amounts of time spent together!
Indeed, early reports from China indicates that there was a rush to the courts to file for divorce once the stay-at-home restrictions were relaxed after the threat of COVID-19 abated, a possible indicator of increased couples conflict.
Covid-19 Conflict
The following are possible sources of conflict between you and your spouse that might arise due to shelter-in-place mandates and social distancing to prevent the spread of COVID-19:
Financial concerns – You may be experiencing financial difficulties after you and/or your spouse lost your job or hours were cut back due to COVID-19. Stress about your finances and differences in opinion about how you should save your money can obviously lead to conflict.
Disagreement about parenting practices – Your spouse thinks its okay for the kids to sleep in until noon and you think the kids should maintain the same routine they had prior to school closure. Now that you’re both at home, differences in parenting practices will come to the forefront.
Divergent views on how to cope with the pandemic – People often react and cope with threat in different ways and how people respond to COVID-19 is no exception. Your reaction to the pandemic might have been to rush to the grocery store (donned with a mask and gloves, of course) to purchase as much disinfectant wipes, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper you could find, while your spouse might’ve claimed you were overreacting and coped by defying every recommendation made.
Troubled foundation – Your relationship might’ve already been troubled and issues or concerns that weren’t addressed prior to COVID-19 might rupture under the pressure of a pandemic.
Understand that it's common to experience an uptick in conflict or struggle with greater annoyance when spending increased time together, especially when coping with a stressful event such as a pandemic. Not everyone is singing kumbaya while connecting with their family by the camp fire in their backyard!
Tips on Coping with Covid-19 Conflict
If there's more conflict in your home, try some of the following tips to ease the tension:
Communicate - this probably goes without saying, but communication is absolutely imperative in maintaining a healthy marriage. Set aside a specific time to talk with your spouse about how you feel about the pandemic, parenting strategies, or other sources of conflict. Be open about your feelings and about how your spouse’s behavior is impacting you emotionally. Try and agree on rules that you and your spouse will abide by throughout the shelter-in-place mandate.
Avoid discussing certain topics - I know, I just said that communication is key to a healthy marriage. During a pandemic, though, it's completely appropriate to avoid discussing how your spouse is getting on your last nerve. Telling your spouse that the way he eats his food or how he breathes is not the path toward harmonious couple bliss!
Eliminate frivolous expenditures and establish a budget - review your finances and eliminate unnecessary items from the budget. Oftentimes, we have small bills that are automatically withdrawn from our accounts that we’ve forgotten about. These small items often add up!
Have a conversation with your spouse and get on the same page about your spending habits.
Tell your money where to go by establishing a budget.
Praise - focus on the positive! Many people are stepping up to the plate and doing things that are outside of their comfort zone. Perhaps your spouse (the one who despised school) has taken over the homeschooling of your children. Or, he's ticking off each of your “honey please do” projects around the house. Compliment your spouse at least once a day for something they’re doing right!
Find Distance - it is entirely possible to spend time apart while sheltering in place. Go for a walk while your spouse watches the kids or read a good book in a separate room while your spouse watches television.
Dream - inspiration can often be found in the white space of our lives. Dr. John Gottman, researcher and award winning author and speaker on couple relationships, has found that couples who dream together and support one another's hopes and dreams often stay together. Use our likely short lived downtime to discover new hope for your future together!
